Predictions of my death.

So maybe this is a little bleak, but following the death of my very close friend and peer Amy Winehouse i have come to realise the end is always looming.

Today I read in the girls bathroom that "life's a bitch and no one gets out alive". This is true whilst also being one of the most annoying things to read while you've got your undies around your ankles. (second possibly to "My boyfriend thinks I'm fat. What should I do?" and the equally painful girl power comments that ensue.)

I would rather try and anticipate the few most credible causes of my demise so that, in its event my friends might have some concept of my final wishes.

1. Woman found dead from liquorice overdose.
If this was possible, and I imagine it would be though the exact causes may be related to the associated scurvy. Scurvy, actually that'd be a good way to go. That's the condition you get where you can't stop talking like a sailor right?
I would like in this instance to have a sailors death. wrap me up like a Christmas present and dump me at sea. A watery grave, its a pirates life for me.

2. Woman discovered mauled to death by her pet baboon. remind me never to live alone with a baboon. Interesting fact. Baboons are omnivorous and as such they will eat human flesh if they can't locate another food source. If this is the case, I obviously have no remaining friends, so disregard this entirely.

3. Steven Segal has killed his stalker with a samurai sword, maintaining he thought she was an intruder.
God I love Steven Segal, he will be mine.
This goes out to my Mum: I know you understand why I did this, bury me with a lock of his hair, which I'm assuming by this point i will have obtained. (See my wardrobe for the shrine, then destroy all evidence). My epitaph shall read "Not in my Dojo"

4. Lives lost in 2017 Typo store riots.
Substantial paper cuts resulting in death of sole aggravator. Store workers said "bitch had it coming".
May my casket be an origami masterpiece of typo paper. an ode to my stationary addiction.

5. But most of all, if i was to really pick a way to go, it would be to die laughing.



or of a raging cocaine binge, that'd be cool too.

Rose's Top 10 list of shit that is shit

Been ages since I've blogged - that's the reality of my attention span.

However, considering how awesome my life is now (bein iron-i-cool makes me feel like a badass) and the fact that my friend Ruby has been encouraging me to blog more (I suspect to validate her own shameless blogging) I have decided to launch back into the blogging world on a possitive note...with a list of shit that is shit and that i subsequently hate.


1. The Beach...that shit drowns people. Best case scenario you get friggin sand everywhere. And you know that no matter what you do or how you try to wash it off you will still find it in places you otherwise had no knowledge of. Also I watched my freind Matt get swarmed by blue bottle jellyfish...actually that point goes to the Ocean, that shit was hilarious.

Yep....sure do.

2. Fabric Softener Commercials with smug mothers and their designers babies. If there is somehow any correlation between laundry detergent and having an awesome family that reeks of awesome then my divorced parents would have nailed that shit.
Also...why so smug?, you occupy are large percentage of the women existing globally with a working womb. There's no medal for being average.

In fact this goes for all mothers; you love your baby and that's great, but don't expect everybody else to think they're awesome.


3. Waiting in line.

I personally feel nothing is important enough in this world to warrant me waiting in line, sandwiched between people that i normally would cross the road to avoid.

4. Design students.
yahhhhh, this is why.

5. I would say skanks that wander through town wearing what resembles a vaginal belt and what appears to be an over-sized broach and calling in an "outfit" in the middle of winter, but they've allready tasted their comeuppance...their nipples fell of in June.

6. Talking to strangers. Lest the world find out I'm actually a hologram.

7. White people taking back the "N Word". It doesn't work like that...cracker.

8. People that don't believe in Global Warming.

9. Global Warming. I like to know the ice caps are exactly where i left them last, not in my living room.

10. Thinking you're house has been broken into when really you just enjoyed the blissful moment of forgetting how messy it was.