So maybe this is a little bleak, but following the death of my very close friend and peer Amy Winehouse i have come to realise the end is always looming.
Today I read in the girls bathroom that "life's a bitch and no one gets out alive". This is true whilst also being one of the most annoying things to read while you've got your undies around your ankles. (second possibly to "My boyfriend thinks I'm fat. What should I do?" and the equally painful girl power comments that ensue.)
I would rather try and anticipate the few most credible causes of my demise so that, in its event my friends might have some concept of my final wishes.
1. Woman found dead from liquorice overdose.
If this was possible, and I imagine it would be though the exact causes may be related to the associated scurvy. Scurvy, actually that'd be a good way to go. That's the condition you get where you can't stop talking like a sailor right?
I would like in this instance to have a sailors death. wrap me up like a Christmas present and dump me at sea. A watery grave, its a pirates life for me.
2. Woman discovered mauled to death by her pet baboon. remind me never to live alone with a baboon. Interesting fact. Baboons are omnivorous and as such they will eat human flesh if they can't locate another food source. If this is the case, I obviously have no remaining friends, so disregard this entirely.
3. Steven Segal has killed his stalker with a samurai sword, maintaining he thought she was an intruder.
God I love Steven Segal, he will be mine.
This goes out to my Mum: I know you understand why I did this, bury me with a lock of his hair, which I'm assuming by this point i will have obtained. (See my wardrobe for the shrine, then destroy all evidence). My epitaph shall read "Not in my Dojo"
4. Lives lost in 2017 Typo store riots.
Substantial paper cuts resulting in death of sole aggravator. Store workers said "bitch had it coming".
May my casket be an origami masterpiece of typo paper. an ode to my stationary addiction.
5. But most of all, if i was to really pick a way to go, it would be to die laughing.
or of a raging cocaine binge, that'd be cool too.
