Predictions of my death.

So maybe this is a little bleak, but following the death of my very close friend and peer Amy Winehouse i have come to realise the end is always looming.

Today I read in the girls bathroom that "life's a bitch and no one gets out alive". This is true whilst also being one of the most annoying things to read while you've got your undies around your ankles. (second possibly to "My boyfriend thinks I'm fat. What should I do?" and the equally painful girl power comments that ensue.)

I would rather try and anticipate the few most credible causes of my demise so that, in its event my friends might have some concept of my final wishes.

1. Woman found dead from liquorice overdose.
If this was possible, and I imagine it would be though the exact causes may be related to the associated scurvy. Scurvy, actually that'd be a good way to go. That's the condition you get where you can't stop talking like a sailor right?
I would like in this instance to have a sailors death. wrap me up like a Christmas present and dump me at sea. A watery grave, its a pirates life for me.

2. Woman discovered mauled to death by her pet baboon. remind me never to live alone with a baboon. Interesting fact. Baboons are omnivorous and as such they will eat human flesh if they can't locate another food source. If this is the case, I obviously have no remaining friends, so disregard this entirely.

3. Steven Segal has killed his stalker with a samurai sword, maintaining he thought she was an intruder.
God I love Steven Segal, he will be mine.
This goes out to my Mum: I know you understand why I did this, bury me with a lock of his hair, which I'm assuming by this point i will have obtained. (See my wardrobe for the shrine, then destroy all evidence). My epitaph shall read "Not in my Dojo"

4. Lives lost in 2017 Typo store riots.
Substantial paper cuts resulting in death of sole aggravator. Store workers said "bitch had it coming".
May my casket be an origami masterpiece of typo paper. an ode to my stationary addiction.

5. But most of all, if i was to really pick a way to go, it would be to die laughing.



or of a raging cocaine binge, that'd be cool too.

Rose's Top 10 list of shit that is shit

Been ages since I've blogged - that's the reality of my attention span.

However, considering how awesome my life is now (bein iron-i-cool makes me feel like a badass) and the fact that my friend Ruby has been encouraging me to blog more (I suspect to validate her own shameless blogging) I have decided to launch back into the blogging world on a possitive note...with a list of shit that is shit and that i subsequently hate.


1. The Beach...that shit drowns people. Best case scenario you get friggin sand everywhere. And you know that no matter what you do or how you try to wash it off you will still find it in places you otherwise had no knowledge of. Also I watched my freind Matt get swarmed by blue bottle jellyfish...actually that point goes to the Ocean, that shit was hilarious.

Yep....sure do.

2. Fabric Softener Commercials with smug mothers and their designers babies. If there is somehow any correlation between laundry detergent and having an awesome family that reeks of awesome then my divorced parents would have nailed that shit.
Also...why so smug?, you occupy are large percentage of the women existing globally with a working womb. There's no medal for being average.

In fact this goes for all mothers; you love your baby and that's great, but don't expect everybody else to think they're awesome.


3. Waiting in line.

I personally feel nothing is important enough in this world to warrant me waiting in line, sandwiched between people that i normally would cross the road to avoid.

4. Design students.
yahhhhh, this is why.

5. I would say skanks that wander through town wearing what resembles a vaginal belt and what appears to be an over-sized broach and calling in an "outfit" in the middle of winter, but they've allready tasted their comeuppance...their nipples fell of in June.

6. Talking to strangers. Lest the world find out I'm actually a hologram.

7. White people taking back the "N Word". It doesn't work like that...cracker.

8. People that don't believe in Global Warming.

9. Global Warming. I like to know the ice caps are exactly where i left them last, not in my living room.

10. Thinking you're house has been broken into when really you just enjoyed the blissful moment of forgetting how messy it was.

Moment of triumph

I am in someone else's blog!

http://caughtcouture.com/2010/07/01/speakeasy/#more-482

raddness

Quickie

just a side note: I have found my purpose in life

become as truely bizzarre as these people and start a family blog
http://brent-tory.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

somebody call the photo montage police.

These good folk make my whole life.

Who are all these wierdos that put pictures of their kids on the internet completely unafraid of fritzle-like creepers and why do they have more followers than me goddamn.

Knocked up chick trumps again

Man I have not blogged in forever! what was it that inspired the motivation to suddenly take to the keys and drool all over this blog site is the question I'm sure none of my three followers are thinking but i will answer none the less: it's exam week!

Oh yeah! which for me means the consumption of an unthinkable and honestly repulsive amount of food (so far the tally stands at 500gm of steak, 1 half bottle mayo, a chicken, a jar of stuffed olives and half a bomb shelter sized supply of pickles) and a swimming pool of instant coffee i might add. I don't know what triggers these borderline abusive eating binges i just know that as soon as exams are done ill go back to licking dust of the top of the fridge (on Fridays i get a whole ice cube). But for now i just want someone to stuff a gherkin with pimento and deep fry it.

Pause for gherkin run....not even kidding

But aside from me committing foodicide, what is there to report...well since I've been encased in my tomb of a bedroom writing essays i am happy to say i have kept out of trouble. Of course by the time i can actually go out ill be too fat for my front door.

Perhaps I can take a minute to give a nod to all the things that are currently keeping me imprisoned in my den of procrastination:
perhaps unnecessarily i will mention facebook. the combination of stalking and uninhibited personality binges has never been so sweet. it is truly a soapbox made a solid gold. Of course Texts from last night, which never fails in reassuring me that unless I have been woken up by my mother next to a glitter covered midget stripper from the Dominican republic whose name is cut into my flesh, my life isnt that bad. Lamebook- I dont know why but i love the jersey shore-esque facebook updates they make my day. Look at this fucking hipster - i dont even need to explain how satisfying this site is, if you dont love it you're a dirty hipster. And strangely enough LOLcatz...there is something about cute stuff that i live for...i even named my boyfriends cat cheezburgerz...even im embarrassed for me dw.

and now im back to blog. what to do what to do.

but perhaps it's time to say adios amigos
stay cool calm and collected!

You know how I know you're an alcoholic?

Today my house mate Claire and i went on our weekly shopping trip together after realising that our only food options consisted of vita wheat's, cup-a-soup and nasty soy ice cream from 2007.
After filling our arms full of edibles we were contemplating what else we may need. I suggested the we head into the mixer isle...Claire turns to me and says "you know how i know you're an alcoholic? - you call soft drinks "mixers".

Bleak but come on, they were soft drinks when i was 12 and sugar was a cheap high. Now they're a means of disguising the fact that I'd much rather my alcohol straight and tapped into my bloodstream.


This is me in one of my finer
"you know how i know you're an alcoholic?" moments

Last night at work was DICK. Luckily however i was saved by my darlings Micky and Ben who took me out.

Managing to get our hands on some artist passes we went to the VIP performers bar to hang out with some of Adelaide's finest C grade nobodies, including the radio rentals guy (who is also the world filthiest dancer and most certainly 12 months interest free).

DJ was hot, everyone was dancing and when asked "so what do you do?" I kept saying in this very artistically aloof manner (in my opinion anyway), "darling, lets not talk work"...This wankery was only further enhanced by Ben following me saying "you totally out shone Johnny Depp in that film".

None the less i did still weep this morning at the prospect of heading back to Satan's den of hospitality, no jokes here, just actual tears.

Another day, another dollar

Uni today sucked nads! I woke up at "why was sunlight invented?" o'clock also known as seven only to arrive at uni and discover that the tutorial i had trekked the distance of north Adelaide to inner city Adelaide had been cancelled!

This is no good my frenz, no good at all.

But I feel my day can be redeemed. I am going to work at the Botanic Cafe and I am hoping my customers are feeling extra generous because i am feeling extra poor.

And then I will most certainly head to Supermild where my friend Ruby works to dance and drink to my body issues.

Ruby always includes pictures of what she wears to work and how she does her make up. Though she is far more beautiful than I, i have posted a picture of me dressed and made up for a night on the town.


As you can see here I am trying out the Daisy Duke. I should explain, these denim cut offs are nothing without the hose i use for a belt (pictured) which also doubles as a lasso which i use to keep my boyfriend from running away.
I don't know if you can tell but I've opted for the no bra option, I hear boys like it more.
So wish me luck! But with an outfit like this, who needs it?